MAG.E 2/MAG.E 2.adf/27/27

Text File | 1977-12-31 | 9KB | 156 lines

@7THE DOLPHIN~S GUIDE TO THE UNIVERSE
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@1

There was another lifeform.
It was a nice day in its particular enviroment, so it took what was for it a
comfortable chair, into its garden and proceeded to have a quiet relaxed time.

   There was a break in the quiet relaxed time when the next door neighbour
switched on a ghetto blaster and started to mow the lawn.

   There was a continuation of the quiet relaxed time after the lifeform sent
mind curdling thoughts through the fence, which caused the neighbour to feed
the ghetto blaster to the lawnmower (permanently silencing both) strangle
it's offspring, set fire to their dwelling structure and then drown itself in
it's fish pond.

  Such was the ability of Cat.

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@1
On seeing the group emerge on deck the Dolphins all went Queerrathroooooopppppp,
which the Babel fish translated into "you clumsy fools, why dont you look where
your dropping your spaceship, you nearly killed some of us and you have
scattered all the fish we have taken a long time to round up and were about to
eat".  From which you can see what some people had often suspected, that
dolphin speech is remarkably compact.
   Trillian went to the rail and spoke to the largest and loudest of the crowd.
I'm terribly sorry, it was all my fault, I had an accident with the navigation
system and we came here completely out of control. We dont even know where we
are. Our ship travels in a very peculiar manner. I do hope none of you are hurt,
I have always been very fond of dolphins and would not harm you intentionally.
 Even as she started to speak one of the dolphins rasp something very rapidly
which took too long to translate before several others added comments. (Dolphins
also think very fast, to them humans take a long time to say anything. Babel
fish can only translate at the speed that the brain they are nearest to is used
to hearing and have little storage capacity. The dolphins of course know this,
being expert on all forms of fish).

   After the large dolphin had waited for Trillian to finish, in short bursts,
with (for them) long pauses in between, he replied :- my family tell me you are
speaking English, which is very odd as some of them were among the last to
leave before the Vogons destroyed the place where it was spoken. The races we
were studying there had not developed space or time travel, none had the means
to escape even if they had understood our warnings, so how is it that you came
to be here?  Your apology is accepted. What is that strange ship you travel in?
Who is that strange being inside that is feeling so miserable? I am told that
many of your species showed kindness towards mine, even though most of you
believed we were only dumb beasts. None of us were badly hurt although many
were bruised and stunned by the shock wave. You did not give us much time to
take evasive action. Those that need it will be supported for breath until they
recover. Thank you for your concern.

  So the conversation went on, much being explained on both sides. Then Arthur
offered to help the injured dolphins by supporting them in slings from the side
of the ship, an idea thought very novel by those who had not been off their own
planet and had no experience of things out of the water holding up things in
the water. It was as if some alien had arrived on earth and started handing out
sky hooks. Some of the uninjured tried it just for the fun of it.

  It was when Trillian and Arthur decided to have a swim with the dolphins
(they thought they needed it after being in Xox's, Zaphod had gone off the idea
once he found it was not so exclusive as he had thought) that the dolphins were
glad they had dropped in.
But it was not without a little nervousness as that 8000 mile away bottom was a
little disturbing.
 The dolphins had never seen anything so funny as these two legged objects
trying to move through the water. With their incredable underwater communication
system the word quickly spread and soon the earthbeings thought they were
swimming in a thick dolphin soup. As far as the eye could see in every direction
the sea was packed with the grining beautiful streamlined shapes that came to
see the last two specimens of an otherwise extinct animal.
   The skin of the swimmers tickled with the sound beams aimed at them from so
many sources and their ears fizzed with the squeeky buzz of the dolphin speech.

     It was just as well that the poor old Babel fish was so thoroughly
overloaded that it had practicaly stopped translating, because some of the
comments racing around were not very complimentry and some were downright
bawdy. With their built in ultrasonic scanners they had soon determined that
the female was not pregnant, which seemed crazy to them as how did these beings
expect to populate a new planet if they did not start as soon as possible.
    There were other words to that effect. The dolphins were not simply
uninhibited, they had never invented any inhibitions.

 To a dolphin, sex and all its behaviour, was no more special than breathing,
you did it when you felt like it and a mate was available. The walls and clothes
of Earth and the ideas created round them were as weird as money to their
society.

  The time among the dolphins was the best that Arthur had had for a long while.
There was nowhere to go and nothing to do and nothing was trying to kill him.
He told the dolphins about what had happend to him since the Thursday when
first his house and then his planet had been destroyed, and told them he was
glad that they of all the species on Earth had been saved. He ask how they were,
since dolphins were not known to build space traveling machines. It was then
he learned that the Dolphins were not the dominant species on this planet where
they evolved. Also on this world were an intelligent kind of squidlike being,
which from the dolphins point of veiw were evil and used the dolphin as other
carnivores used herbivores. But above them both were the whales, some of which
fed on the squid and while being friendly with the dolphins sometimes also eats
them, but only the weak or mentaly defective, which was how the whales had
over many lifetimes deliberately made the dolphins intelligent, so that they had
someone else to talk to and who they could send to other worlds to gather data
for their great minds to ponder.

   The dolphins believed this kind of hierarchy existed on every life supporting
planet ever found, with different species occupying the different levels. Some
of the more mysticaly minded said that this was an echo in this plane of the way
things were in the dimensions of the higher order beings. But that was a bit to
obtruse for the ordinary down to water dolphins, who when not fleeing from
hunting squid, spent their time hunting fun, fish and females, or occasionally
helping the whales tend the huge rafts of plankton and seaweed that powered the
planets ecosystem.

   It was as Arthur and Trillian were climbing back on board that Zaphod
suddenly shouted " I thought that crazy paranoid robot must be wrong about this
place, look there's an island and its even got a geyser on it. Arthur and
Trillian looked where Zaphod was pointing and knew that Marvin was not wrong.

   There must be a strong current here Zaphod said, we're moving towards
it (there was but it was not relevant). Actualy, breathed Trillian, the island
is coming towards us.   Er um! was all Zaphod could manage as he suddenly
realised that it was true.

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   At the time of its destruction there was on Earth much discussion about
what did or did not constitute a healthy lifestyle. Among the many arguments
there were some points of agreement, namely that a diet that contained fish was
more healthy than one that did not. It was also generaly agreed that exercise
was necessary for good health and strenuous exercise such as swimming caused
such benificial effects as reduced pulse rate & low blood pressure.

   Those that believed these things would have been delighted to have heard of
somebeing who had lived its entire life (after it was weaned) eating nothing
but fresh fish and vegetable soup, high in fibre, and who had also swam every
day of a very unstressful life and as a result of this had a resting pulse rate
of only six beats a minute. They would not have believed that this slow pulsed
being had lived three hundred and eighty two earth years & was and still thought
young in his society, or that each of his heart beats pumped about half a ton of
blood. They would also not believe the size and weight of this being.

  The crew of a certain yacht/spaceship had no choice about believing in such
things, as they were about to meet them.

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 Ford, who had been on Earth long enough to know what was coming, simply had
trouble comprehending its size and stood with his mouth open.

  Hell's bell's! exclaimed Arthur, just look at that.

  Be respectful, snapped a dolphin, you are about to meet the Prince of Whales.

His name is Chhhh Arrrrrls.